The Last Remaining Remnants

I am ready to take the final steps in changing my relationship with food. I don’t eat sugar anymore. Or bread or pasta or other grains. I don’t eat in the car anymore; I no longer stop at the Quicktrip to load up on candy for a long journey. Or a short one across town. A spat with my best friend no longer sends me head first into a vat of Haagen Dazs. I can go to the movies now without consuming a large popcorn and M&M’s. A week at my cabin is no longer an excuse to eat junk or an escape from the healthy life I choose to live. Little Debbie doesn’t speak my language anymore, and I pity – not envy – the people tossing her in their carts. I can walk any aisle in the grocery store now and barely give a second glance to the processed, sugar-filled, transfat-laden poison lining the shelves. I can now easily decline the birthday cake at a friend’s party. I can eat just the ham and leave the biscuit. I am comfortable saying, “No thank you,” and not offended when the retort comes back, “What’s wrong with you?” I’ve changed. I have really changed.

And now it is time to finish the job and eliminate the remaining obstacles keeping me from I want. It’s not the fruit, which I sometimes eat a lot of. It’s not the carrots or the sweet potatoes. It’s definitely not the meat or the eggs or the vegetables. And probably not the cream in my coffee or the real butter in my cauliflower mash. It's not the food at all, really.  It’s the fairly routine evening “check-out”. The mindless eating, even if it is “paleo.” It’s the grazing after dinner when I’m not even hungry. It’s the almonds that I mindlessly consume while I watch TV and play on the computer. It’s the mixed nuts that I feverishly crunch to tamp down work-related stress. It’s the bag of "trail mix" that I can easily consume on a Friday evening at home. Alone. It’s the last remaining remnants of bad habits formed over a lifetime of using food to cope and escape. Well, I no longer need food to cope, and I no longer need to escape. It’s time to finish the job.

On Kindness

I love my new green teapot.

I've been thinking this week about kindness.  I strive to be a kind person; I make it a goal each day to treat people kindly.  Some days I succeed; some days I fail. But everyday I try, and I make amends when I fall short. 

But this week I considered what it means to treat myself with kindness. I thought about how wonderful it would be to apply the same thoughtful attention to kindness towards myself as I do for others. I started the day on Saturday with the intention of treating myself kindly.  Later that morning while shopping in a local store, I stumbled across the teapot  pictured above.  I wasn't shopping for a teapot, but there it was. In green.  A symbol of  my intention and an opportunity to act on it.  So I bought the teapot.  I also bought a set of four kitchen towels, in shades of green floral and geometric prints.  This little purchase reminded me that green is my favorite color and that simple, useful objects of beauty make me happy. And that treating myself kindly is nurturing and good. 

It occurs to me that kindness is very close to gratitude. That it is made of gentleness. That it is the color of beauty and the fragrance of loveliness.

Shepherd's Pie

Ever since I got my food processor, which enabled me to make good cauliflower mash, I have been thinking of making a Shepherd's Pie.  Sunday night I made a quick and simple skillet meal of ground beef, vegetables, and seasonings.  Monday night I used the leftover ground beef concoction to form the base of my Shepherd's Pie. Then I steamed a head of cauliflower.  Cauliflower mash is simple to make if you have a food processor.  When I tried making it without a food processor, I was never happy with the results.  Just toss crisp-tender steamed cauliflower into the food processor along with ~2 tablespoons of butter, a splash of half and half, sea salt, and cracked black pepper.  Process to your desired consistency.  Spoon over the ground beef mixture and bake at 375 until heated through and starting to brown on top.

Note: One small head of cauliflower was enough for an 8x8 casserole.

Chicken Fingers

Oven Baked Pecan-Crusted Chicken Fingers

This recipe is from Emeril Lagasse with modifications to make it more paleo-friendly. I made these on Friday night for dinner. I think they are even better left over and eaten cold. Melvin likes them too.

Oven Baked Pecan-Crusted Chicken Fingers

Ingredients:

• 1 and 1/2 cups pecan pieces
• 1 tablespoon plus 2 teaspoons Emeril's Essence, available in the spice section.  It contains paprika, salt, garlic powder, black pepper, onion powder, cayenne pepper, oregano, and thyme.   Or you could season to your own taste.
• 2 large eggs
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut lengthwise into strips 

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Lightly grease a large baking sheet.

In the bowl of a food processor, combine the pecan pieces and 1 tablespoon Essence (reserve 2 tsp for egg mixture).  Pulse for 1 minute to combine. Pour into a shallow dish. In a bowl, beat together the eggs, olive oil and remaining 2 teaspoons of Essence. One at a time, dip the chicken into the egg mixture then dredge in the pecan mixture, shaking to remove any excess. Transfer to the baking sheet and bake, turning once, until the chicken is cooked through and the crust is golden, 15 to 20 minutes.

You can make a sauce for dipping if you like. I like them without a sauce.  Emeril's recipe included instructions for making a Honey Mustard Sauce, but I passed on that.

Totally Paleo and Totally Satisfying

Pot Roast, Cauliflower Mash, and Oven Roasted Brussel Sprouts



For dinner on Friday, I made a delicious meal of pot roast, cauliflower mash, and brussel sprouts.  Totally paleo and totally satisfying. This may be the best meal I've made since going paleo.  And so simple.  The roast went in the crock pot Friday morning. I just plopped the roast in the pot, added an inch or so of water, salt, pepper, 3 garlic cloves, an onion coarsely chopped, and a couple of carrots.  The garlic, onion, and carrot were for flavoring the broth; I tossed these out when the roast was ready.  If you want to do a pot roast along with root vegetables, you certainly can; but you would want to add the vegetables mid-way through the cooking process so they don't get too mushy.  I just wanted a nicely flavored beef broth that I could serve Melvin.  Besides, my day was too busy to stop mid-way and add the vegetables. 

To complete the meal that evening, I made the cauliflower mash and roasted brussel sprouts.  The cauliflower mash is really simple.  Just steam the cauliflower to crisp-tender, and then combine it in a food processor with butter, a splash or two of half and half, salt and pepper.  Make it the same way you would mashed potatoes.  You can omit the half and half and just use butter, salt and pepper.  Process until it's the consistency you want.  Add more salt and pepper as needed for your taste.   I tried making cauliflower mash before I had a food processor.  It was just okay.  The food processor makes all the difference.

I tossed the brussel sprouts in a little bacon fat, seasoned with salt and pepper, and then roasted in a 425 degree oven for maybe 20 minutes until brown and tender.  

Zucchini & Sausage Casserole

This recipe is inspired by one that I found in The Primal Blueprint Cookbook by Mark Sisson.  I made a few changes to his recipe and renamed it.  He called it Zucchini Egg Bake.  I like my name better.

There is a ton of grated zucchini in this recipe, and it creates a wonderful, soft, comforting texture for this casserole.  It reminded me a little of stuffing.  Definitely a keeper.

Zucchini & Sausage Casserole

4 T butter
1/2 cup finely chopped onion
2 pounds zucchini, washed and trimmed
3/4 pound or so of ground pork sausage (Whole Foods has a good ground pork sausage, sold by the pound in the butcher's case).
3 eggs
1/3 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese
salt and pepper for seasoning

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. 

Grate the zucchini.  I used the food processor shredder blade, and it worked just fine and made quick work of the 2 pounds of zucchini.

In a saute pan, melt the butter.  Add onion and zucchini.  Season with salt and pepper.  Saute on medium heat until zucchini is tender, 5-7 minutes.  Remove zucchini to a colander to allow any excess liquid to drain. 

Add sausage to saute pan and cook until almost done.  Combine the sausage and zucchini in a large mixing bowl.

In a separate bowl, beat 3 eggs with salt and pepper.  Add the beaten eggs to the zucchini and sausage mixture.  Mix well. 

Pour into an 8x8 glass baking dish.  Top with grated cheese.  Bake uncovered for 35-40 minutes.  Allow to cool for 15 minutes or so before serving.

Makes 4 servings.

Five Spice Beef and Broccoli

The other night I was craving something different from my usual standbys.  I wanted a satisfying dish, full of flavor.  I found this recipe for beef and broccoli in The Primal Blueprint Cookbook.  I liked it but preferred it without the garnish of fresh herbs.  I bet it would also be good served over cauliflower rice instead of the bean sprouts.  I might try that next time.   If you are craving some Chinese flavors, maybe give this a try before calling Golden Buddha for a delivery.

Five Spice Beef and Broccoli Stir-fry
~ From The Primal Blueprint Cookbook

Ingredients:
1/2 lb flank steak
3 T wheat-free tamari
1 T sesame oil
1/4 tsp Chinese five spice powder
2 tsp grated ginger
1 garlic clove, minced
1 head of broccoli, cut into florets and steamed (crisp tender)
6 oz (a few big handfuls) mung bean sprouts
I prefer it without the following:
1/4 cup finely chopped mint
1/4 cup finely chopped cilantro

Servings: 2 - 4

Instructions:

Mix together a marinade of tamari, oil, five spice powder, ginger and garlic. Slice the meat into thin strips. Marinate at least 15 minutes or up to several hours if you have time. Heat a saute pan or wok. Add meat and marinade to the pan and saute 3 - 5 minutes, stirring a few times so the meat cooks evenly. Add the steamed broccoli and saute a few more minutes. Add bean sprouts and remove from heat. Garnish with fresh herbs if desired.  I found the strong flavors of cilantro and mint did not compliment the other flavors.  I liked it best when I had it the second time without the garnish of fresh herbs.

Muffins!

Carrot Banana Muffins Right out of the Oven

I can't remember when I've had a muffin! Until tonight, that is. I don't plan to make a habit of these, but if I'm going to live a paleo/primal lifestyle, then it's important to have recipes for healthy, wholesome treats.  I tried one right out of the oven while it was still hot enough to melt butter. I found it to be quite tasty with a pleasing texture. For me these will be a very occasional treat. For people who don't have weight to lose or blood sugar issues, they could be enjoyed more often. I'm thinking of Erica who is always looking for something to go with her coffee. She could make a batch on Sunday and share them with Will throughout the week.

Recipe From Elana's Pantry: (with minor tweaks by me)

Carrot Banana Muffins

2 cups blanched almond flour

2 teaspoons baking soda
3/4 teaspoon finely ground sea salt

1 tablespoon cinnamon
1 cup dates, pitted
3 ripe bananas
3 eggs
1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar

¼ cup coconut oil, melted
1 ½ cups shredded carrots (don't buy pre-shredded carrots; they are too dry)

1 cup walnuts, chopped

1. In a small bowl, combine almond flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon.
2. Chop the walnuts and set aside.
3. Shred/chop the carrots in the food processor using the shredder blade. Remove carrots and set aside.   Rinse and dry food processor bowl for next step.
4. In the food processor, combine dates, bananas, eggs, vinegar, and oil.
5. Transfer wet mixture to a large bowl.
6. Blend dry mixture into wet until thoroughly combined.
7. Fold in carrots and walnuts.
8. Spoon mixture into a greased muffin pan. I use coconut oil. Grease it well as these tend to want to stick. You could try paper liners; I have not used them with this recipe.
9. Bake at 350° for 25 minutes for medium muffins. Bake 30 minutes for mini-loaf pan. Mini-muffins are done in 15-20 minutes. 

Makes 14-16 medium muffins or about 36 miniature muffins. Or 12 medium muffins and 1 mini-loaf pan.

These deserve a pretty plate, and so do you.

Noodle News

Zucchini Noodles are my new favorite food!

My new favorite food is zucchini noodles.  I slice these using my Martha Stewart mandoline and then steam them just a few minutes until tender.  Then I toss them in a bowl with a little butter or olive oil and salt & pepper.  You can use these as the base for anything you would serve over pasta.   The noodles can be roasted instead of steamed; roasting yields a dryer noodle which is good for things like lasagna.  Steaming yields a wetter, softer noodle that is good for things like marinara sauce or meatballs.  Steaming is a quicker option than roasting.  Either way, I think you will like them.   

Seems Like Only Yesterday

I cannot believe I am fifty years old!  It seems like only yesterday I was a little girl living on a dirt road in rural middle Georgia, riding my bike, building a playhouse under the giant old pine tree, and wanting desperately to grow up. Seems like only yesterday I was in high school, well-behaved and studious, and looking for the road out of town.

Seems like only yesterday I was a scared young woman at UGA, working hard, pulling more than a few all-nighters, and following all the rules. I was focused on getting that degree that would land me that job that would take me out, and keep me out, of the rural south. Seems like only yesterday I landed my dream job right out of college and began my career. Not long after, I discovered my knack for getting things done and bossing people around. ;-) These skills served me well. And burned me out.

Seems like only yesterday I left corporate America for a different life. I went back to school. I changed careers. I got a dog! I bought some land and a truck. I built a cabin.  I sought to bring some of that simple rural upbringing back into my life.   I found the balance.  And the joy.

Seems like only yesterday I found CrossFit and discovered my inner-athlete.  But more important than that, I made new friends - friends for a  lifetime. 

These have been a fabulous fifty years, graced by a loving family, dear friends, beloved pets, good fortune, and health.   I am grateful for these fifty blessed years and look forward to what more is in store.

A Lot Like Omelets, Only Better

My Frittata with Spinach, and Smoked Gouda

I recently discovered frittatas, and I am loving them.  Frittatas are a lot like omelets, only better.  They are easier to make and the leftovers are perfect for quick meals, even meals on the go.  Leftover slices can be eaten cold, with your fingers, like a slice of pizza.   I make my frittatas in a cast iron skillet.  I start them on top of the stove on low heat, and finish under the broiler.  I use 6 well-beaten eggs as the base, seasoned of course with a little salt and pepper.   I add to that mixture whatever I want.  Favorite ingredients include ground pork sausage from Whole Foods, chopped fresh spinach, and cheese.  For the paleo-purists, you can easily make this 100% paleo; just choose ingredients accordingly.

Stuffed Peppers

Paleo Stuffed Peppers

Here's a simple paleo recipe:  Stuffed Peppers.  For mine, I made a meat sauce using grass-fed ground beef, cauliflower "rice", onions, garlic, mushrooms, and canned tomatoes.   I cooked this all up in a skillet and then stuffed the peppers with the meat sauce.  I baked the peppers at 350 degrees for about 35 minutes.  During the last few minutes of baking time, I topped with a little parmesan cheese.  I served these with Sauteed Spinach with Toasted Pepitas and Cherry Tomatoes.

In the Bleak Midwinter

My best Christmas gift this year was the snow that fell on Christmas Day.  I don't have the words to describe its beauty, but the picture above does not need any words.   Staying in that cabin in those white winter woods on Christmas was the best gift I have ever received.  It reminded me of a favorite Christmas song, "A Christmas Carol", also known as "In the Bleak Midwinter".  Like the snow on Christmas, this carol is simple, pure, and perfect and reminds me of my creator.

Click here to watch a performance of this song by Gloucester Cathedral Choir.

A Christmas Carol

(In the Bleak Midwinter)

Words by Christina Georgina Rossetti (1830-1894), 1872;

Set to Music in 1906 by Gustav Theodore Holst under the title "Cranham"

"In the bleak mid-winter

Frosty wind made moan,

Earth stood hard as iron,

Water like a stone;

Snow had fallen, snow on snow,

Snow on snow,

In the bleak mid-winter

Long ago.

Our God, Heaven cannot hold Him

Nor earth sustain;

Heaven and earth shall flee away

When He comes to reign:

In the bleak mid-winter

A stable-place sufficed

The Lord God Almighty,

Jesus Christ.

Enough for Him, whom cherubim

Worship night and day,

A breastful of milk

And a mangerful of hay;

Enough for Him, whom angels

Fall down before,

The ox and ass and camel

Which adore.

Angels and archangels

May have gathered there,

Cherubim and seraphim

Thronged the air,

But only His mother

In her maiden bliss,

Worshipped the Beloved

With a kiss.

What can I give Him,

Poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd

I would bring a lamb,

If I were a wise man

I would do my part,

Yet what I can I give Him,

Give my heart."

I Prefer The Latter

This picture was taken post-workout on December 3.  Laura emailed it to me that very evening, and in her note she said the picture was beautiful.  Wow!  What a gift to have a coach who can see beauty in its various forms -- who can see the beauty in me.  Four weeks ago I was given a label of "obese".  Four days ago I was given a new one.  "Beautiful".   I prefer the latter.

This picture is important and significant to me, not because of what my coach sees or anyone else for that matter, but because of what I see.  I see the beauty.  The strength.  The transformation.    I wish for you the same -- the freedom to see your own beauty, right now. Right where you are, just as you are. We are all beautiful in our own way.  Sometimes we just need others to help us see it. 

I am reminded of the words I recently shared from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.  Worth sharing again, I think.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

More Than A Smidge

So I have to write about it, don't I? Yes, I do. Last Saturday, I chose to undergo a body composition test, also known as a body fat test. I've had them done in the past, once with the pinch method. And once holding onto one of those little machines that can somehow tell what you are made of with not much more than a handshake. Both of those were done more than two years ago. My diet has greatly improved over the last year, especially in the last four months. I've lost weight; I've gotten stronger and faster. And I gave up sugar. SUGAR! My best friend. I gave it up. That alone should be worth at least a point or two on the fat-o-meter, right?  

It was with this mindset that I approached the body composition test last Saturday. This test uses ultra-sound technology and is supposed to be more accurate than the tests I've had done in the past. I thought it would be really cool to get a new benchmark using this method. So I showed up early for my 9:30 am appointment, ready for my number. The thin young woman applied the gel and the ultrasound wand to my abdomen, my hip at the top of the hip bone, and the back of my arm—the three fattest parts on my body, but I guess that's the point. After a minute, she pointed to the result on the computer screen. I was stunned. It was higher than two years ago, higher than the worst that I had prepared myself for.

To add insult to injury, she then explained in excruciating detail where I landed on her chart. "Women in the range of 13-19% are considered athletes. Those in the range of 20-24% are considered fit, while women between 25 and 30% are still acceptable. Anything above 30% is considered obese or unacceptable." Yep. That's what she said.

I was more than a smidge above 30%.

After three years of hard work in the gym, in a matter of seconds, a woman I don't know and who knows nothing of my struggles and hard work, waved a wand and deemed me unacceptable. No matter than I can deadlift 270, back squat 225, squat clean 140, swing a 70-pound kettle bell, do double-unders as well as some little people, and run. Yes, this obese girl can run. And that's what I did after getting my "label." I was too upset to join the group workout as I had planned. So I left the gym and ran. I ran a little loop around the gym and then decided to keep on going. I ran and ran some more. I ran past all the thin, "acceptable" people waiting outside Flying Biscuit. For some reason this made me run faster. And I thought to myself, "hey all you biscuit-eating bitches, watch this unacceptable, obese chic sprint up this hill." And that's what I did.  

It took me a few days to shake this off and get back in a good groove. But I have put it behind me now. Mostly, anyway. It's just a number and a label for those who need it. It changes nothing. It doesn't change who I am or what I can do. Or what I need to do, which is continue to eat well and CrossFit and live my life, even if some may find me "unacceptable." 

Powerful Beyond Measure

"Awakening"
by Duy Huynh

from A Return to Love
by Marianne Williamson


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

A Kick in the Behind

"Free Spirit"
by Duy Huynh

My annual physical was a few weeks ago on October 1. I just received the results from the blood work on Monday, and my fasting blood glucose was borderline high (101 and the top of the range is 100). What?! I gave up sugar (in addition to all grains) on July 25, ten weeks earlier so how can this be? In all my 49 years of eating mostly crap most of the time, my blood glucose had never tested high. I even remember thinking, "how am I getting away with this?" And by "this" I mean eating all this sugar and still reporting normal blood glucose? Well, it's no surprise that I wasn't getting away with anything. In order to maintain normal blood glucose levels in spite of my horrendous diet, my pancreas was pumping out insulin like crazy all those years, resulting in my current insulin resistant state. Of course that's my own diagnosis after spending the last year learning about nutrition and metabolism. My doctor isn't going to diagnose this. She'll just keep testing my blood and let me know when I've moved into the diabetic range. At that point she'll give me a low-carb diet to follow.

I looked back in my food diary to see what I had eaten the day prior to the 11am appointment. We were between challenges, and I was a little looser with my diet than I had been in previous weeks. I was enjoying a bit of a break from the close scrutiny, but was still eating mostly primal. Dinner the night before the appointment was Paleo Night at Urban Pl8. I remember commenting to Damon the next day that it was richer and sweeter than I was used to eating, and I felt it. That same meal would not phase someone with a healthier metabolism than mine. Their body would have blood sugar levels back to normal within an hour of eating that meal. My body was still working on getting it under control more than 12 hours later.

So what do I make of all this? Well, for one, it explains so much. It explains why the weight isn't coming off as fast as I would like. I'm insulin resistant. Duh! I guess I knew this already, but there's nothing like seeing it in black and white after 10 weeks of eating a diet designed to improve the very thing I'm seeing in the report. It underscores just how important it is for me to keep carbs low; even "good" carbs need to be kept in check. And when I do splurge, it needs to be in moderation, followed by a walk or some activity to help my body bring blood sugar levels back to normal. Having this new information is a kick in the behind -- just in case I was starting to wonder what's so bad about a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast seven days a week.

Celebration Lasagna

Celebration Lasagna

To celebrate the end of the eight week nutrition challenge, I decided to prepare a special meal. I wanted to make something delicious and satisfying but still within the bounds of primal, low-carb, paleo-ish nutrition. Lately, I have dreamed [literally] of oatmeal and english muffins so I toyed with treating myself to some grains! I even briefly considered having a real dessert made with lots of refined sugar, but quickly decided that was not what I wanted. Recently, while reviewing the Everyday Paleo blog, I stumbled across a recipe for lasagna. That was it! Lasagna! Even without the pasta, it is a rich, luxurious meal.
Here's the link to the Everyday Paleo Lasagna recipe if you want to check it out. I opted not to go with this version since it is strict paleo, without any dairy, and I wanted cheese in my Celebration Lasagna.

Celebration Lasagna
Ingredients:
2 lbs grass-fed ground beef
1 jar of organic, gluten-free, sugar-free pasta sauce
4 medium zucchini
fresh baby spinach
small package of sliced mushrooms
olive oil
sea salt
cracked black pepper
1 cup cottage cheese
1 egg
1/2 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese

Pre-heat oven to 425.

Slice the zucchini length-wise, using a mandoline, to about an 1/8" thick. Place the sliced zucchini in a zip-loc bag with a little olive oil, sea salt, and cracked black pepper. Toss, shake, and smush the zucchini around in the bag until all pieces are coated. Place the zucchini on a baking sheet and roast for 15-20 minutes, or until the zucchini starts to turn a little brown.

While the zucchini is roasting, brown the ground beef. Add the pasta sauce and mushrooms. Bring to a simmer and cook for a few minutes until heated through and most of the liquid has reduced.
In a separate bowl, combine 1 cup of cottage cheese with 1 egg, salt and pepper.

Reduce the oven to 375 degrees.

Line the bottom of a 13x9 baking dish with the roasted zucchini. Next layer with fresh spinach leaves. Top this layer with 1/2 of the ground beef mixture. (If the ground beef mixture is "soupy" don't add the liquid to the lasagna or you will have soupy lasagna). Dot the ground beef with 1/2 of the cottage cheese mixture. Repeat these layers and finish with the 1/2 cup of shredded mozzarella.

Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes or until bubbly and heated through.

Hamburger Soup

When I was a little girl, my mama would sometimes make what she called "Hamburger Soup." She did this when she was "too tired to cook" since my daddy didn't consider soup a real meal. Even so, it was one of my favorite suppers. In a big soup pot, she tossed leftover ground beef, onions, okra, corn, peas, potatoes, and tomatoes. Or whatever vegetables we had, but those were the common ones. To go along side it, she always made a large pan of corn bread and a gallon jug of sweet tea. With the table set, usually by me, the whole family would gather in the tiny kitchen around the rickety dinette set, "say the blessing," and then dig in. The soup was a steaming bowl of goodness. The warm cornbread, a slice of mama's love. And the sweet tea, a nightly staple as routine as the setting sun.

Inspired by this memory and the promise of cooler fall temperatures, I made a big pot of "Hamburger Soup" last night. I went heavy on the ground beef and chose all low starch vegetables: onion, bell pepper, tomato, okra, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots. The result was a complete, satisfying paleo meal in a bowl (with lots of leftovers). As for the cornbread and sweet tea, the memory of those two will have to suffice.

There's No Going Back

"Food for Thought"
by Duy Huynh

Seven weeks ago I made a pledge to eliminate refined sugar for eight weeks. At first I couldn't even entertain the thought without my mind immediately flooding with phrases like "IMPOSSIBLE!" and "here you go again." I couldn't think it, and I certainly couldn't say it out loud or admit it to another person. But somehow in a moment of total frustration, I summoned the courage to make the pledge anyway. I wrote my promise on a sheet of paper, signed it, dated it, and stuck it on my refrigerator door. A week later, I shared my pledge with other people in the nutrition challenge that my gym was sponsoring. After two weeks, I realized that I would actually honor my commitment -- that it was POSSIBLE for me to succeed. And now, here it is seven weeks later. Only one week remains in the 8-week challenge. The heavy-handed depression that I experienced during weeks 3 through 5 has eased. I'm starting to get my energy back. I've lost some weight. Sugar no longer has me by the throat. Oh, I'm well aware that it is waiting in the wings, ready to pounce in a weak moment -- to enslave me again. So there's no going back for me. The end of eight weeks will be a milestone for celebration. A beginning of the rest of my life. Not the end of anything.

The Sweetness all Around

A lone Rose of Sharon (hibiscus syriacus) blossom brightens the dog days
of summer at Lullwater Park on Wednesday.

We are finally in the waning days of summer, thank goodness. I can't recall ever being so happy to have the end of August in my sights. Just when I thought Autumn might not come at all this year, we got a little break in the heat with even cooler temps forecasted over the next several days.

I've been away from this blog for nearly two months. I am coming out of a bit of depression - brought on first by the move, and then enhanced by the oppressive heat, and further aggravated by eliminating all refined sugar from my diet. Life has just seemed too dull and gray, too hot, too dry, too old, too hard. Not sweet at all. But in the last few days, I have felt a glimmer of happiness returning. I am taking notice again of the sweetness all around: the electric yellow goldfinches at the bird feeder. The mandevilla vine with screaming red blooms. Zara the neighborhood greyhound who finally made friends with me and Melvin. The lone Rose of Sharon blossom at Lullwater yesterday. Sweetness truly is all around.

______________________________________________________

Back at the beginning of the year, during one of my waves of introversion, I locked this blog down (again) so that only the people closest to me could read it. I was afraid that people would judge me because I was still working on my nutrition and trying to lose weight. And failing miserably. Now I'm unlocking it again, feeling somehow liberated to just be who I am, failures, flaws and all. Perfect example -- I've worn a sleeveless top out in public on more than one occasion recently. No one cares! Life is too short (and too hot) to hide out. Or cover up.

A Little Nudge

Coffee in a Pretty Cup

"It's time to commit to finding other forms of comfort and sticking with them.
You WILL beat this if you choose it."
words of Erica Stelten -
friend, nutritionist, life coach, bad-ass crossfitter, former compulsive eater, and all around good person

Choose. That was Erica's advice to me on Wednesday. "You will beat this if [and when] you choose it." Not when some miracle happens and suddenly I'm really motivated to eat only vegetables, fruit, and meat. Not when pigs fly. Not when I have sufficiently beat myself up over my failure to change. Not tomorrow or next week or next year. But when I choose to change, I will change. It requires a commitment to myself and a DECISION to act differently than the past 49 years. It's like any commitment. I'm not always happy about doing my work, but I have a responsibility to my employer, and I honor it. Take CrossFit as another example. Although I am committed to CrossFit, I rarely wake up excited or motivated to go to the gym. But I drag myself there five or six times per week. It is never easy, but the rewards are worth it, and the threats of not doing it loom large. Standard American aging does not appeal to me. I choose to be different than the masses.

August 15 will mark my third anniversary with CrossFit. When I first started, I couldn't do a single sit up, and shoulder pressing 20 pounds was a challenge. I couldn't jump rope at all, and I had never heard of a double-under. My nutrition was off the deep end. Bingeing on sweet, trans fat-filled carbs was a regular occurrence. I took medication for depression, but remained depressed and moody much of the time. I was on lipitor for high cholesterol, and I suffered from regular bouts with vertigo. My first CrossFit workout did more for my depression than years of prozac and talk-therapy. I was hooked immediately, and I never looked back. The rewards have been tremendous: strength, overall fitness, happiness, no prozac, no lipitor, and oh, the friends I've made.

I've even made huge improvements in my nutrition. If you had told me three years ago that I would be happy rarely eating bread, rice, or pasta, I would not have believed you. And my frequent bingeing on sweets is a thing of the past. I still get into trouble with ice cream more than I care to admit, and now I eat nuts like I used to eat candy. But compared to the past, well, it's like night and day. I can't remember the last time I bought a bag of miniature reeses or Crunch 'n Munch. I used to eat that crap all the time.

Erica's simple admonishment on Wednesday really helped me. I am ready (and have been) to change -- to take it to the next level, but I needed a little nudge. It's like when your coach puts the tiniest bit of upward pressure on the bar during a heavy back squat; you just need the slightest bit of assistance to stand up. Or a little nudge to move forward. I may need it again from time to time, and I hope Erica and others will offer it. I'm tired of giving myself excuses for not changing. I'm tired of denying myself full participation in my sport and in life. This fat suit doesn't suit me anymore.

Nothing Sweet About It

One-eyed Rudy

Life has settled down it seems. The AC in the condo was replaced and appears to really be fixed this time (knock on wood). No more battling with the landlord to do the right thing. No more reasons to delay settling in here. No more distractions from the day-in, day-out grind of life. I've got that, "now what?" feeling that is probably common after big life events. I'm feeling a little depressed, and when I'm depressed the only thing I can think of to make myself feel better is food. So last night I binged on ice cream. It worked. I felt better almost immediately, and fell asleep early from overdosing on sugar. Relief. Escape. For a fleeting moment.

And now I'm right back in the same place I was yesterday with the added heavy blues that always follow one of these episodes. Sugary regret. There's nothing sweet about it.

How Simple is That?

Lettuce Wrap (with a couple of bites missing)
Turkey, bacon, olives, mayo, black pepper

How simple is that? A lettuce leaf with sliced deli turkey breast, bacon which I pre-cooked Sunday night, a few sliced olives, a dollop of mayo, and a sprinkle of black pepper. As easy as a traditional sandwich and much better for me. I feel so virtuous! But I must confess I ate two of these. What can I say? I like to eat.

Feeling Better Already

Cabin CrossFit

It is good to be back in the city. I arrived home about 5pm yesterday. Once Melvin and Rudy were settled, I went straight back out to the grocery store. That's the first real grocery shopping I've done since late March. I bought vegetables, fruit, meat, eggs, nuts -- everything I need to eat well this week. No more excuses. It's time to make eating well a top priority again. This morning I had eggs, blueberries, and almonds. And coffee of course. Feeling better already.

The Shelf That Daddy Built

Sleeping Loft at the Cabin with the recently added "shelf that Daddy built".

The shelf in the picture above used to sit on the back porch at 110 Lamont Drive. Sheryl and Mike helped me load it for moving to the cabin back on May 22. It's been sitting on the porch at the cabin ever since, but today I managed to move it upstairs to it's intended location. My dad built this shelf from heavy plywood back in the late 60's. He painted it brown, and it became the focal point in our sparsely furnished living room. A 13" black and white television with rabbit ear antenna sat on the very top. A well-worn, heavily used set of The World Book Encyclopedia filled the first shelf from the top-right. Assorted other books joined the mix: The Best Loved Poems of the American People, a bird book that my brother loved, and The Holy Bible to name a few.

This shelf that Daddy built is no fine antique and wouldn't bring more than a few dollars at a yard sale, but it is a family heirloom in the truest sense.

It Was Only A Dream

This mushroom caught my attention while walking yesterday morning.

It rained like crazy here last night. It started about 9pm and poured for hours. I'm not sure what time it stopped or how many inches we got. Whatever it was, we needed it, if for no other reason to take the edge off this heat wave.

The cabin has a metal roof, and when it rains, you know it. And in a heavy rain like last night, it screams at you to tune everything else out and focus on the rain. So I turned off the TV, opened up the front door and listened to the rain. I fell asleep early listening to the rain. I woke up a few times long enough to realize it was still raining and then went right back to sleep. I dreamed I was still living at 110 Lamont Drive and the roof was leaking. Because that house sits under a gigantic oak tree which occasionally drops limbs in a storm, over the years I had my share of issues with the roof. In the nearly 16 years I lived there, I think I had this problem only twice, but that was enough to induce anxiety in all subsequent big rains. I smiled from ear to ear this morning when I realized last night's roof leak was only a dream.

Thanks, Rudy

Rudy at the Cabin

I came to the cabin for a few days while the AC at the condo is being repaired. I could easily get all in a tiz about the AC not working and the fact that the landlord didn't fix it properly back in May when the problem first manifested, before I moved in. Or, I can just take life as it comes and deal with it. I can even see it as a blessing to have a reason to work from the cabin this week. A friend of mine said, "I think it's your guardian angel stepping in to help you ease into your new life -- giving you some comfort time at the cabin with Melvin [and Rudy]". I think she's right. I am enjoying being here, enjoying the quiet and the slow pace. Enjoying my family just across the way. Appreciating the reminder of why I sold the house in the first place -- so that I could have a finished cabin in the woods and a small, low-maintenance apartment in the city. So that I could split my time between country and city if I choose. Without the AC breaking, who knows when I would have gotten around to really spending more than a day or two here? Who knows when I would have gotten around to packing Rudy up and bringing him with me? Rudy's ability to travel with me is key to having dual residences. I can't spend extended time here if I'm worrying about Rudy at home alone in the condo.

And it is Rudy who provides the life lesson for this week. I have always pegged him as being more attached to his place than to me. I always thought he wouldn't travel well, and I had good reason for thinking that. The fact that I couldn't get my hands on him was a hint of how difficult it would be to bring him with me. The fact that he always fought me like a wild animal when I tried to crate him for a trip to the vet was another clue. But a bigger crate was all he needed to go in without a fuss. I can even pick him up now without too much trickery. He adjusted quickly to life at the condo, and he took to the cabin like it was his idea. He has hardly missed a beat over the last two weeks, and he's 15. That's pretty old in cat-years. So from Rudy this week I have learned that you CAN teach an old cat new tricks, and "it is never too late to be who you might have been." Thanks, Rudy.

This Gardenia

Perfection in a Pickle Jar:
A simple, all-white bouquet of gardenia, gooseneck loosestrife, and hydrangea 'Blushing Bride'.

I visited my mom last Saturday and picked a bouquet of gardenia, loosestrife, and hydrangea from her garden. She gave me an old pickle jar to use for a vase. This gardenia is the classic old-fashioned kind with glossy green leaves and large, fragrant, pure-white flowers on a volkswagen-sized shrub. I gave her this gardenia way back in the fall of 1998; it was a small rooted cutting that came from a plant growing at 110 Lamont Drive. That was the year I first fell in love with gardenias in general, and this one in particular. My father had just died on June 2. I returned home later that day after a week of death-bed vigil to do laundry and pack a new bag for the funeral. When I pulled in the driveway, I was welcomed by this gardenia in full bloom. It had never bloomed like that before. Or maybe Daddy's death had awakened something in me that allowed me to truly see it for the first time. Whatever the case, that's the story of this gardenia and how I fell in love.

Starting to Lift

Melvin on moving day.
I cried when he sought the farthest corner of the porch and just sat there, looking lost and sad.

These pictures of Melvin and Rudy (below) capture the sadness, loss, and emptiness I have experienced in recent weeks. I am starting to feel better, well enough to write again. But what kind of writer would I be if I glossed over this huge life event and just moved on to the next thing? Selling 110 Lamont Drive was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I bought that house in 1994 and spent the last 16 years pouring my heart into it. I painted it, refinished the floors, furnished it, added the back porch, renovated the kitchen, updated the bathroom, added the plantation shutters, landscaped it, re-roofed it, re-wired it, replaced the heating and air, the water heater, sewer line, and water pipes. I filled the attic, closets, and cupboards with 16 years of memories. I buried my beloved cat, Teddie in the backyard. I hosted many Thanksgiving dinners for my family in that house, including my father who is now deceased. I threw countless tennis balls for Melvin there -- many of them still lost in the shrubbery. I made a life for myself in that house. It was gut-wrenching to leave. It's hard to think about it without tears welling up. Loss. Grief. Sadness. That's what I'm experiencing. It feels bad for a time, but it will lift. . . is already starting to lift.

Rudy on moving day.

I don't like this picture of me, but that's how I looked at the end of this ordeal.
Tired, heavy, and sad.

The Other Side of Change

Gelsemium 'Carolina Jasmine' embracing a birdhouse that my brother installed for me many years ago.
Letting go is hard, but the weathered birdhouse and the vine belong to the birds, bumble bees, and butterflies that show up every spring to enjoy them.

I want to make it to the other side of change. On the other side of change I am in a new home, nesting and making it perfect just for me - not for some potential buyer. On the other side of change I am done with inspections, repairs, and strangers walking through my home at a moment's notice. On the other side of change, I have lots of cash to pad my bank account and fund new dreams. On the other side of change I don't have to vacuum everyday. If I want to leave my bed unmade I can. I can sleep as late as I want, and then sit around all Saturday morning drinking coffee. I can leave my shoes by the door or track mud through the house. Melvin and Rudy can relax and enjoy their old age with long, uninterrupted naps. On the other side of change I can create a new garden. I can meet my new neighbors. On the other side of change I can look forward and make new memories. I can't wait to make it to the other side of change.

___________________________________________________________________________________

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
~ unknown ~

And Now We Wait

Melvin and I are done with the house. Now we just have to keep it neat and clean and wait for a buyer. It should hit the MLS today I hope. It's been shown a few times already but hopefully will pick up once it hits the MLS. I'm starting to think about rental properties.

It was great to be back at my 7am workout this morning with Erica and Mike. And Meeks joined us too. I should be able to keep on track with 7am now, I think. I'm also trying to get my diet back on track. I need to do a little planning and grocery shopping. I'm not doing any cooking since I have the kitchen perfectly clean and don't want to mess it up. But I don't cook that much anyway, so it won't be too difficult for me to manage.

TIME!

WOL

(a Workout of Life)

Prepare House for Sale

As prescribed,

49 days.

I Took the Oven Apart

A favorite spot that I'm going to miss.

I'm on the home stretch; the house is just about ready. I decided to give myself one more weekend to finalize everything. The sign goes up in the yard on Monday. Meanwhile, I'm doing the last few things on my list, and I've stopped adding things to it! When I took the oven apart in order to clean it, I decided that I really had lost my mind. If the oven needs to be that clean then the new owner needs to buy herself a new oven. I tend to see only the imperfections; it's hard for me to step back and just appreciate how wonderful this place is. This morning I was out on the back porch fretting over the floor and debating if I should whip out the paint cans and put a fresh coat down. Then I remembered the oven fiasco. Then I stepped back and looked at the bigger picture rather than zeroing in on a spot here and there. And then I felt sad. How can I leave this wonderful place that I created with so much love and heart? It didn't look like this when I moved here. The porch didn't even exist, except for in my dreams. I remember shopping for the perfect wicker chairs, and re-purposing the shutters to make that screen. I found that sweet little table at a yard sale, and I love those candlesticks. I planted the evergreens in the background, and they were barely head high; now they reach above the house. I created that perfectly comfortable and inviting scene. I'm going to miss it. . . . But the good news is that I'm taking all that shit (minus the evergreens and the porch) with me. And I'll create a new perfect spot where I'm not responsible for the maintenance.

After several days, I was back in the gym this morning. I don't feel too bad about missing a few CrossFit workouts because I have been working my ass off. I can't wait to yell "TIME" on this workout!

Sorry for the cursing. I just can't help myself these days. Without cursing, I cannot adequately express my state of mind right now. I'm exhausted and so OVER IT!

A Third Hand Would Be So Handy

I worked at home all weekend. Yardwork, painting, caulking, cleaning, trips to Ace Hardware and Home Depot, and more than a little mental anguish over my decision to sell. Change is good, but that doesn't mean it's easy. I'm meeting with real estate agents this week, and I have someone coming to pressure wash the house on Tuesday. Once that is done, the exterior painting can start. I've still got some inside projects to do (little things), but once the exterior work is done, the house will be good enough. Of course that's my opinion; we'll see what the experts have to say. I still have a "To Do" list as long as I am tall, but I have decided that I'm being too picky and not all that stuff has to be done. I've prioritized the list to complete the items that are most important, and if the remainder doesn't get done, it doesn't get done.

I don't know what I was smoking when I thought I could get serious about losing weight at the same time I got serious about selling this house. I am struggling with my eating and just struggling in general. Selling my house of 15+ years is hard. Going through all the stuff I've accumulated and preparing the house for sale is hard work, physically and emotionally. And it's very isolating - a stark reminder than I am all alone. Still. I bought this house at age 34 and never imagined that I would still be single 15 years later. And every project I do all by myself reminds me that it's just me. It hurts that I asked my family for help, and they couldn't find the time. I cried and nearly pulled my hair out trying to install a new bathroom light fixture yesterday. A third hand would be so handy. A man in my life who knows how to do shit (or just cares about me) would be awesome. Who am I kidding? I want a man who knows how to do shit AND cares about me. Anything less would just piss me off. I'll make it through this just like I always do, but I have cried more than a few times over the last few days.

OK. Enough whining. I have too much to do.


7am
coffee with cream

9am
2 sausage patties
1 egg
coffee with cream

11am
1 sausage patty

2pm
mixed nuts

It's Spring, Finally!

A red maple in full bud at Lullwater yesterday - it's Spring, finally!

7am
coffee with cream
CarbMaster Yogurt (12 grams protein, 4 grams carbs)
topped with sliced almonds

9am
coffee with cream

1130am
meatloaf with kale salad
cottage cheese with applesauce and almonds

12n
1-mile dog walk

330pm
almonds

5pm
15-minute AMRAP of Cindy

630pm
1-mile walk

7pm
steak and asparagus
2 glasses of wine
a big bowl of ice cream! :-( I regret it now. Aargh! Will I ever change?

Voila, It Rings!

Helleborus orientalis
"Lenten Rose"

How in the world will I say goodbye to the Lenten Rose? I'm having second thoughts today about selling the house. I'll just go with this feeling but continue to work my punch list and see how I feel tomorrow. But the good news is that my home is getting the attention that it needs, so whether I sell or not, it's all good. One thing is for sure: I'm either selling this house or throwing a big party this spring!

Last night I had a small victory. I repaired the doorbell. It's been broken for a while now (years); I disconnected the ringer from the wall, saw that one of the wires was loose, put it back in place, and voila, it rings again! And Melvin has a new reason to bark.

6am
black coffee

7am
Deadlifts 7x1

9am
5 slices of bacon
grape tomatoes
black coffee

11am
walked Melvin

12n
3 oz chicken
apple

2pm
Starbucks
bag of nuts & dried fruit
coffee with half & half

Then a little while later, I had a protein bar. I was sort of wandering aimlessly, tired from obsessing over/working on this house 24/7, and just didn't know what to do with myself. So I ate a protein bar. hrmph. :-(

5:30pm
45 minute walk at Lullwater Park, with Melvin of course

7:30pm
Whole Foods To Go
meatloaf, collard greens, mushrooms and onions

8:30
Continued painting the bathroom; I've been working on it a little each day this week. Walls done. Ceiling done. Now doing the trim. It's a good thing I don't keep firearms in the house.

Up 1.4

More Daffodils!

Last night was my weekly weigh-in at Weight Watchers. I was up 1.4. You see, that's the good thing about being back at Weight Watchers; I have to face the consequences of my actions. I can't ignore it, pretend it didn't happen, or put off dealing with it. I hated that I gained, but it was a rough week, and I'm just not going to worry about it. Worrying doesn't help anyway. And it's not like I don't know why I gained. I plan to have a good week and hopefully report a loss next week.

6am
black coffee

7am
CrossFit Workout (1/2 Murph - 33 minutes)

9am
2 boiled eggs
coffee with milk

noonish
Lots of running around related to the house and tax prep season. Can you say STRESS? Makes me think of that Seinfeld episode when Kramer was being kept awake all night by the neon sign for the new Kenny Rogers chicken restaurant...he said, "Oh... I'm stressed!"

1pm
2 slices of bacon
2 eggs scrambled
grape tomatoes

5pm
1/2 apple with some chicken
1 cheese stick

830pm
frozen cherries with cottage cheese

I'll Miss the Daffodils

Daffodils are blooming happily in my garden -- a sign that winter is finally releasing it's hold on us. I'll miss the daffodils when I leave this house, but they will return year after year to bless the life of it's new owner. I'm a little sad to leave the garden that I planted and loved, but sometimes you have to let go of one thing to allow the next into your life.

7am
coffee with cream

9am
2 boiled eggs

coffee with cream

12n
1-mile dog walk

1230pm
grilled chicken salad with sunflower seeds

330pm
1/2 apple with 2 T almond butter

6pm

weekly weigh-in. Up 1.4

730pm

nuts! I ate nuts for dinner. I've got to go to the grocery.