"My Wild Abstract Heart"The following is an excerpt from Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth.
I began to see that I couldn't hate my body and appreciate myself, that one was a reflection of the other. I saw that eating was not the problem. And that by treating it as if it were--by dieting, depriving myself, hating my body--I was treating symptoms without working on their cause. I saw that I needed to work from the "inside out," from my feelings, my dreams, my angers, rather than from the "outside in," which began with my body. Being fat, it seemed, was fulfilling certain needs, and unless I dealt with those needs, I could lose weight many times and gain it back just as often in order to continue meeting those needs. I learned that I couldn't take away compulsive eating unless I replaced it with understanding and acceptance.
What needs am I meeting by remaining overweight? Clearly, for some reason, I am reluctant, resistant, to moving beyond this point. Being overweight provides an excuse for me to keep delaying things--I 'll do that when I lose weight. I'll start dating when I lose weight. I'll jump on the 24-inch box when I lose weight. And, "overweight" is who I am on the inside...it's the self-image that has been ingrained, cultivated, reinforced in me since I was a little girl. It's hard to be something on the outside that is different from what you feel and see on the inside.
So here's to changing from the inside out!
7 comments:
Pat I hope your "inside" realizes just not overweight your outside is, you look awesome! And I think you have one of the most wonderful souls I have ever met, so you are perfect inside and out!
I began reading the book "The 100 Year Lifestyle". Many people never think they will live to 100, but that is not the case nowadays, people are living that long. The book tells us how to cultivate our lives now so when we turn 100 we are still healthy, happy and financially secure. I think many of us here are already on that path, so we are ahead of the game!
Pat, excellent insight. Another thing to think about is fear of the unknown. If you've never known "thin" or "slender" it's uncharted territory.
I think I'm going through a similar crisis with my music. I've been a performing musician since I was 5 years old! Now, I own a CF Affiliate.
It's keeping me pretty busy and not leaving me much headspace for creativity. But for SO LONG, rock-chick-who-sings-and-plays-guitar was my identity. It was what made me special. I feel so different as small-business-owner. Before, people liked me the minute I hit the first chord and opened my mouth. Now, I'm constantly worried about rubbing people the wrong way, saying the wrong thing and I have to DEAL with it, when people don't like what I have to say.
Songs make it easy for you, they already have words.
Once again, thanks for sharing your "inside journey" with us. It helps us all.
Good morning. Pat, another great post. It's like you're speaking directly to ME! I think I might be somewaht resistant as well. When I moved here, I was at a so-called "healthy weight". However, I was VERY unhealthy. It was part of the reason I moved here. This may be too much info but, I was so stressed out and had so many stomach problems that I threw up almost every morning for 3 years. No food or anything. I had only been eating about once a day when I left CA. Needless to say, I started eating and gained 30 pounds in 6 months.
Anyhoo, I lost that weight and got back down to again, a so-called "healthy weight". I got very very sick and was bed ridden. I had so many antibiotics that I physically could not stand up. I even had an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics. I then needed a Cortizone shot and Prednisone for that.
Needless to say, I am a bit scared to get to a "healthy weight" again.
Anyhoo, there's my little story.
Pat, thanks for sharing.
Shana, you ARE a "cool rocker chick"...no getting away from that. And people like you the minute they meet you, chord or no chord.
Melissa, that's very interesting. Everytime you've gotten to a "healthy' weight in the past, bad things happened. hmmmm. The one and only time in my life I got thin, I fell in love, had my heart broken, and then fell into a deep depression. Yeah! let's do that again! =o)
Pat, this post is amazing. Mellissa? I too felt as if Pat was speaking directly to me. When I first wake up in the morning, I feel like a rock star. Then, when I look in the mirror, and I see my overweight self, I am reminded of the 40 pounds I need to lose, the dimples on my butt, and the roll under my bra strap. It is really hard to remember the good "inside" qualities when I spend so much of my time berating myself for being overweight or comparing myself to my supermodel sister. Thank you for reminding me (us) to remember the strong parts of our insides, even when the outside isn't quite what we want it to be right now.
Thanks for the feedback, Myesha! Funny that you and Melissa both felt that way. Sometimes when I'm writing this stuff I feel like everyone will think, "yep, she sure is crazy." But then I realize that a lot of us feel the same way and we can help each other.
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