And Now We Wait

Melvin and I are done with the house. Now we just have to keep it neat and clean and wait for a buyer. It should hit the MLS today I hope. It's been shown a few times already but hopefully will pick up once it hits the MLS. I'm starting to think about rental properties.

It was great to be back at my 7am workout this morning with Erica and Mike. And Meeks joined us too. I should be able to keep on track with 7am now, I think. I'm also trying to get my diet back on track. I need to do a little planning and grocery shopping. I'm not doing any cooking since I have the kitchen perfectly clean and don't want to mess it up. But I don't cook that much anyway, so it won't be too difficult for me to manage.

Strictly Primal

Jekyll Island
February 20, 2010

I screwed up again and ate too much sugar while I was away. Started out ok, but then thought I could handle a little something sweet. The next day I had a little more, and by yesterday I had lost my freaking mind. I celebrated my return home with a pint of Haagen Daz. Aargh!

I'm back to strictly primal. Clearly I'm addicted to sugar, and any addict will tell you that you have to take it one day at a time. So today I'm not having sugar, and I hope to carry this resolve forward for the full month of March. Can I do it? I think I can.


Food Journal

6am
coffee with cream

9am
3 sausage patties
orange
100-calorie pack of almonds
coffee with cream

1:30pm
cottage cheese with chopped apple and sliced almonds

Evening
I "grazed" all evening on nuts, cheese, fruit, etc. I don't feel well (sleepy, depressed, and low energy). My goal was just to get through the day without eating refined carbs and sugar. I managed to do that. Tomorrow will be better.

Activity
7am: CrossFit warmup and 28 minute workout (deadlifts, running, situps)
12n: backsquats and shoulder presses for max weight

Lovely Nonetheless

"Straight ahead or to the left?"
Melvin listens intently for instructions during our hike at Vogel State Park on Thursday.

The leaves in north Georgia were awe inspiring on Thursday. I drove over to Blue Ridge to visit Mercier Orchards to purchase some fresh, locally grown apples. I bought three types: Mutzu, Pink Lady, and Cameo. Afterwards, I stopped briefly in downtown Blue Ridge for a latte at a quaint little cafe. There are lots of cute shops in Blue Ridge, and you could definitely make a day of it there. But I wasn't in a shopping mood. On the return, I took highway 129/19, a spectacular winding mountain drive that leads past Vogel State Park. I had planned to stop at Vogel to break up the trip and allow Melvin a little exercise. We did a short 1-mile loop around the lake, and just as we were completing the walk, I spotted a pileated woodpecker in a large conifer at the lake's edge. He was strikingly handsome and allowed me to admire him for quite some time before he retreated from view.

It was a lovely day. A little lonely, but lovely nonetheless.

The lake at Vogel State Park.

Caught Off Guard

Primal Energy Bars
Recipe from Mark's Daily Apple

I was caught off guard by the depth of my sadness over the loss of Teddie. I tried going to the cabin for a change of scenery, but it was just too quiet and lonely. The heartache followed me there, and I longed to be back at home. Rudy, my other cat, seems a little blue so I am giving him extra attention. It's good for both of us. I know Melvin misses Teddie. Rudy has always held Melvin in contempt -- unlike Teddie who loved Melvin despite his being a dog and all. He seemed oblivious to Melvin's canine affiliation and often treated Melvin like a great big cat, sleeping with him and washing Melvin's ears. Melvin didn't like this, but he tolerated it out of respect for Teddie since he was here first. We all miss Teddie. I said I wouldn't get another cat, and I probably won't, but if I could have my Teddie back, I would jump at the chance.

Despite my low energy, I managed to try out a new recipe that I found on Mark's Daily Apple -- Primal Energy Bars pictured above. This seems to be a good, versatile recipe that you can modify according to your taste and what you have in the pantry. I'm glad to have these on hand this week for a snack with coffee or when I'm in a rush and need to grab something on the go. They are not sweet at all really - more salty than sweet. Which is good for me. I don't want the temptation or the insulin spike. But if you wanted them to be slightly sweet, you could add a bit more raw honey or even stevia I suppose. Or use a sweet dried fruit or dark chocolate chips to turn this into more of a dessert. You can probably tell that I am getting a kick out of trying new recipes. And it made me happy to fuss over these and wrap them in parchment and twine. It occurred to me that these would make a great gift for health-conscious friends during the holidays. I'll work on perfecting the recipe . . . I think it could be better. I will probably omit the salt next time. And maybe try dried blueberries in place of dried cranberries. (For the recipe, click on the link beneath the picture.)

On Top of That

Dessert
Fresh blueberries and strawberries with macadamia nuts

Things are a little hectic around my house this week. I have a sick cat. Teddie, my 15 year-old feline developed a big fat lower lip on Sunday. I took him to the emergency vet and the doctor determined that he had an abscessed tooth. Several hours and $450 later, I brought him home wearing one of those Elizabethan collars (the cat, not me), along with pain meds, antibiotics, and instructions for round-the-clock care. If you have ever tried to give medicine to a cat, or get a cat to do anything he doesn't want to do, then you understand.

On top of dealing with a sick cat, one of my neighbors just got a new puppy. Since I work from home, love dogs, and apparently cannot control myself when it comes to offering to help people in a jam, I volunteered to walk him at lunch time this week until she can get him in puppy day-care.

On top of that, I am keeping my brother's dog, JC this week while my brother attends a conference. My brother, Jack and JC arrived last night about 5pm. So I had two house guests overnight -- my brother and his dog. Melvin is thrilled to have another dog in the house. I cooked a delicious (if I do say so myself) dinner of salmon and vegetables with fresh berries for dessert. (It was also visually appealing, but I forgot to take a picture to share with you). Jack and I talked up a storm and went for a walk after dinner. All very nice. A little hectic, but nice.

So it's 8am on Tuesday, and I have cooked breakfast, put the trash and recycle out by the street, seen my brother off on his trip, walked Melvin and JC, cleaned the kitchen, nursed the sick cat, showered, dressed, and written a blog about it. Whew. Now it's time to get to work. This must be a taste of how you mothers feel everyday.

I Hope Also With You

Piedmont Park
A beautiful view observed along the main pathway.

I went for a walk in Piedmont Park last Friday. What a treat. I haven't been there in a while, and I was impressed. The lawns have recovered nicely from the drought, and all the restoration work looks really good. I must remember to enjoy this jewel just down the road. Melvin agrees.

I have continued to visit gyms. Since I last blogged, I visited CrossFit Rx and CrossFit Peachtree. I have decided to join CrossFit Rx. This is a great little gym with outstanding trainers, and it's just 3 miles from my house. And I already know a few people who workout there, so that's a big plus. Being part of a supportive Crossfit community is very important to me, and I hope to find this at CFRX. I liked CrossFit Peachtree a lot, but given the midtown location, it is obviously not a practical option. I hope to visit CFPT again with my friend, Russell who has decided to join there.

The knee continues to improve, ever so slowly.

I'm doing fairly well with my nutrition. I got side-tracked a little over the weekend and found myself feeding some junky emotions. The good news is that I nipped it in the bud before things got too out of control. I'm working on a couple of articles for the blog that are deeper, more soul-searching. But these take time, and I have to be in the right frame of mind to write -- and then share these.

So even though the posts are fewer lately, lots of good stuff is happening with me. I hope also with you.

A Good Dog Story

Melvin at dog-friendly Jekyll Island

Why do people write sad, tragic stories about animals? Especially dogs! I'm reading this book, Gods in Alabama, and I just finished a chapter with a horrible story about the death of the family dog, Buddy. It upset me so much that I had to get out of bed to try and get my mind on something else. There were two other deaths in the same chapter--a man and a young boy. And the book opened with a murder. (My goodness, this is a dark book! Maybe too dark for my sensitive nature and fragile mood.) But it was the death of Buddy that did me in. Ms. Jackson may be too raw and depressing for me. Not sure if I will be able to finish Gods in Alabama. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and how the next chapter starts out.

For now I'm thinking about my beloved Melvin who is sleeping at my feet in the foot-well of my desk. Anytime I'm at the computer, that's probably where you will find him. Earlier tonight he was resting happily in one of the piles of dirty laundry I had sorted on the bedroom floor. He loves my dirty laundry; I take that as a compliment. Another favorite resting spot is the air vent where he plops down after a walk or game of fetch. And have I shared how he lets me know it is time to play? Almost everyday around 5pm he leaves the office and returns a short time later. "Click, click, click." His nails on the hardwood floor. "Bump-bumpity-bump-bump." Tennis ball dropped and bounced my way. Big smile! Warm heart! I grab the ball, and we head outside.

Now that's a good dog story!

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"I like to think happy thoughts."
~ my grandmother ~

All the Difference

The Road Not Taken
~ Robert Frost ~

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

__________________________________________________

The popular interpretation of Frost's poem is that it is about individualism. It is commonly interpreted as inspiration for marching to your own drummer. However, critics have interpreted it as a work of irony, and this is the view that seems to make most sense to me, especially if you've read what Frost himself said about the poem. Also, the title, "The Road Not Taken" seems to be a big clue to me that this is a poem about looking back as much as it is about looking forward. In hindsight, after having made his choice, he waxes eloquent about the path he took, and he chooses to remember it romantically. Of course the path we choose makes all the difference. So choose carefully, on purpose, because there is no going back.

Finding It

The trails at Lullwater provide sanctuary for soul searching.
. . . for finding it.

For a while now I've been thinking that the title "Losing It" no longer suits my blog. It started as a play on words -- a big nod to my goal of losing weight and a sneaky wink at my frustration with my seeming inability to do so. But this blog is so much more to me now. It's about a much bigger goal of wholeness--physical, emotional, and spiritual well being. My weight is such a tiny, tiny (no sarcastic pun intended) portion of who I am. Even exercise, nutrition, physical fitness, and certainly CrossFit are just pieces of the puzzle. Plus I've come to realize it is nearly impossible to lose anything that you are constantly fixated on.

So I'm renaming the blog "Finding It" in celebration of all that I am learning, the personal growth I am experiencing, and my renewed commitment to focus on the whole person.

(Yes, that's Melvin in the picture above, striking a pose in the late day sun.)

The Next Step

Spring is fleeting. Be sure to enjoy each day, each blossom, each smell.

That's Melvin's philosophy. He's excellent at staying in the moment.

I've decided to track my Weight Watcher points for the upcoming week. I'm in a good habit now of writing down everything I'm eating. It's not overwhelming to me anymore to think about weighing and measuring and tracking the points. I have continued to attend my Weight Watcher meetings over the last few weeks. Yesterday at the meeting I was talking to several women who are at their goal and have maintained it for a while now. All looked great. Healthy and fit. Not cross-fit, but generally fit. I talked to them before the meeting started to see what I could learn. One woman said, "it started to work for me when I realized that I just can't eat that much." Profound, right? It struck a cord with me. Focusing on the quality of food I'm eating is very important. Eating less refined sugar over the last couple of weeks has helped me tremendously...at least now I am more aware of what it does to my body and mood. But to lose weight, I've got to focus on the quantity too. So that's the next step for me; that's what I am working on starting today.


Yesterday's food diary follows...

6:30 am, Breakfast
1/2 ezekiel english muffin
1 T peanut butter
2 soy sausage links

8:30 am, WOD, "Danny" (20 minute AMRAP)

10:00 am
1/2 ezekiel english muffin
1 T peanut butter
strawberries

12 noon
Weight Watcher 1-point bar

2pm, Lunch
Spinach salad with 2 oz salmon, broccoli, strawberries, tomatoes, balsamic vinaigrette

4:30 pm
strawberries and banana with dollop of greek style yogurt

6pm, Walk Melvin

7:30 pm, Dinner
turkey burger salad (2 oz turkey burger, greens, tomato, bell pepper, strawberries, balsamic vinaigrette)
cottage cheese and apple

Here's What I Know

"Fetch for Time"

Melvin gets his WOD in at Lullwater Park on Monday.

(click here to enlarge image and see just how cute Melvin is.)

So here's the deal. I am prone to depression and have struggled with it for years with varying degrees of success. I use food, specifically refined carbohydrates, to feel better. The problem is that it doesn't work. It provides only temporary relief but then sets off a vicious cycle, intensifying the depression which makes me crave more sugar. The very thing I turn to for relief is making the problem worse.

And I am so sick of all the contradictory information out there. Get in the Zone. Go Paleo. Eat dairy. No, don't eat dairy; it will kill you. Grains are good. Grains are from the devil. Just do Weight Watchers which allows you to eat all foods in moderation. Everybody has a solution for me, and I just want to scream! For someone who binged on crap Sunday night, Monday night, and Wednesday night, every one's advice seems to miss the point. I just need to get off Oreos and ice cream for goodness sake!

Well I've cried and screamed and prayed and medicated with food, but the problem is still there. And I am more confused and frustrated than ever. I don't know what the answer is.

But here's what I do know.

• What I'm doing is not working. It's time to try something different.
• My food/drug of choice is always sugary, fatty, refined carbs.
• Even when I'm "being good" I find it difficult to control "good carbs" like cereal, whole wheat bread, brown rice, beans, and corn.
• I have never binged on lean protein, fruits, or vegetables.
• I don't seem to have a problem with milk and cottage cheese; although I can get into trouble with yogurt and hard cheeses sometimes.
• I never met a nut that I didn't like, and I find it hard to control these.

For now, that's all I can say.

A Lost Treasure Found

The Lake at Lullwater Park on Emory Campus

Do you know that great feeling you get when you find something precious that you had lost? You lost it so long ago that you were not even looking for it anymore; you had forgotten all about it. And then you stumble upon it--in the pocket of an old coat or beneath the silk lining of your fancy clutch purse. That's the feeling I had tonight when I went for a walk at Lullwater Park. I haven't walked at Lullwater Park since before I started CrossFit. I used to walk there regularly with a good friend. But life changed, and I got busy doing other things.

Well tonight I came home from the gym, grabbed Melvin's leash, and we headed out for a walk. And then I stopped a few yards from the house and said to Melvin, "do you want to go walk at Lullwater Park?" He looked up from whatever he was sniffing, cocked his head to one side and tried really hard to understand what I was saying. "Let's go walk at Lullwater Park; let's do it!" He ran to me with great excitement, not sure exactly what we were about to do, but very happy to participate in whatever I had in mind. As we drove to Lullwater, Melvin peered out the passenger window with joyful anticipation. As soon as his paws hit the pavement of the parking lot, he knew exactly where he was. No need for me to lead the way. He walked me, pulling me along the exact route we last walked nearly two years ago.

It felt great to rediscover this lost treasure. I plan to return there regularly. I don't want to lose it again.

__________________________________________________________________________________

If you are not familiar with Lullwater, you should check it out. It's a gem hidden inside the city. It is the perfect place for walking and jogging. There are excellent paths and trails through the wooded, rolling terrain. There is a suspension bridge, a lake, geese, ducks, turtles, and even a Great Blue Heron! There is a large grassy lawn for reclining or frisbee or whatever. It's a great place for an escape, and it is just minutes away. I think the easiest way to access Lullwater is via the Emory Clairmont Campus. You can park for free after 6pm and on weekends at the Clifton School.

Under the Azaleas

Sunday Brunch
Scrambled eggs with veggies & canadian bacon
Mixed greens with tomato and avocado

I'm definitely back on track. Yes, the nuts and ice cream are out of the house; I took care of that Tuesday night! (Thanks for asking Rachel!) Yesterday was a good day. I'm proud of myself for limiting Tuesday night's failing to just what I called it. A blip. No big deal. It's not what we do on one particular night that matters so much but what we do consistently over the long haul.

On a different note, I have to share the highlight of my day yesterday. I did a CrossFit workout on my own, at home, after I did the scheduled HQ Push Jerk at the gym. I did the CFED dumbbell workout from Tuesday. What a great little workout. It's hard for me to keep the intensity up when I work out by myself, but since this workout is so quick (I finished in 10:10), I was able to really keep the pressure on. Plus I was gunning for Meeks' time of 8:54. When I finished, I collapsed on the patio--that great CrossFit collapse that we all love. While I was doing the workout, Melvin hid under the azaleas. When I was finished, he came over and gave me a lick. That's Wednesday's happy grateful bit.

Back to Basics - First Things First

"The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities."
~ Stephen Covey ~

Getting back to basics [for me] absolutely means a return to taking care of myself. And by taking care of myself, I mean putting some basic priorities back in place. Getting enough sleep is critical. I need to get in bed at a reasonable time. That may (will) mean that some things go undone sometimes. It will mean that I have to step away from the computer. Everything doesn't have to be finished today. It doesn't have to be perfect, and it doesn't always have to be done by me right this second. I need to limit the time I spend at the computer each day. My job as an analyst requires that I sit at a computer most days and crunch numbers. I keep the books for CFED which requires the same. I love this blog, but it also ties me to my computer. I must put some limits around this and honor those limits.

Keeping healthy, nutritious food in the house is a must. This means I need to grocery shop once a week or so and give some thought to meal planning. Stopping to eat before I'm starving is important.

I need to take care of Melvin and play with him everyday. Taking care of Melvin is the same as taking care of me. He needs me to walk him and make sure he gets exercise everyday. When I take care of him, I benefit from this as well because it gets me outside, away from the computer. And his joy and love of life is contagious.

I need to quiet my mind for a little while each day, breathe deeply, and just be. Ideally, I will dedicate a few minutes to this each morning and each evening.

That's what I need to do to put first things first. What about you?

Thanksgiving Day

The Cabin

(picture taken 11/08/08)

It is a beautiful, cold morning here at the cabin. I am sitting in my comfy, cozy, second-hand swivel rocker sipping the best cup of coffee you can imagine. The sun is breaking through the trees which are already nearly bare. Winter has come early this year. The woods are still and quiet. Melvin is sitting in front of the kerosene heater, looking out the french doors, woofing under his breath at something...not sure what.

My family is gathering at my mom and step dad's house today for the Thanksgiving celebration. My brother, Jack is coming. My sister, Jolyn lives next door to my mom, so she is already present. Also coming are my sister, Myra and her husband, Phil along with their children, Abbie and Joseph. Abbie is 21, and Joseph is 16. Hard to believe. Time is flying by.

I am missing Daddy this morning. He always loved Thanksgiving. He loved the family-time and the big meal. He especially loved the dressing and the sweet potato pies.

We will be overrun with dogs today. Mama and Lamar have big 'ole hearts when it comes to animals, so they regularly take in strays. Their current herd is comprised of Rodie, Pearl, Shilo, and Josie. Jolyn has two dogs, Tucker and Sonny. Jack is bringing his dog, JC. Of course, I have Melvin. Nephew Joseph just got a new puppy, Ami. You get the picture. We love dogs! And they all love it here because they can run around free on the 24 acres. It's a dog's paradise.

And then there are the cats. Alice is a Siamese first rescued by Jack back in the 1990's. We don't know how old she is, but we know she is old. She is now Mama's cat, and Mama loves that cat! Then there is Lucy, a big, beautiful calico. And the youngest is Mimi, also a calico. Jolyn has two cats, Katie and Boone. I also have two cats, Teddie and Rudy. But if you know anything about cats, you know they don't travel well, so Teddie and Rudy are at home in Decatur.

I had not planned to write anything for the blog today, but I felt inspired by this day, what it means, and all the memories it evokes. I truly have a wonderful life, and my heart is full of gratitude today.

A Country Weekend

It was a fantastic fall weekend in the country. Restful, relaxing, and filled with simple, fleeting moments that capture the essence of a grateful life.

I wanted to write about the wonderful coat rack I made from salvaged lumber this weekend. The wood had a terrific patina, weathered gray from years outside. I used nails leftover from the cabin construction for the hooks, and I topped the rack with a shelf made from the same wood. I laid a wildflower bouquet and two long leaf pine cones atop the shelf. A denim shirt and binoculars hung from two of the nails. Country still life. Begging for a snapshot. And I obliged.

And then I thought I might write about the walk my sister and I took Sunday morning. Melvin, my sister’s two dogs, Tucker and Sonny, and my mom’s dog, Josie frolicked all around us as we walked. We hiked over to the far side of the property to checkout the color on the sourwood trees. Sourwoods are known for early, vibrant fall color, and they did not disappoint. The light was just right, and I snapped several pictures.

I even thought I might write about the cozy swivel rocker I bought for $25, bargained down from $40, at the Potter’s House on Saturday. Its old fashioned style hugs you in comfort, and the 360 degree swivel allows you to take in the views from any direction. Draped in a plaid throw, it made a charming country picture.

I considered writing about my stroll with Melvin Saturday afternoon. Melvin sniffed along in front of me, nose to the ground on the grassy drive, his tail up and wagging. Low hanging limbs framed him just right—the perfect picture to speak a thousand words.

Towards the end of the weekend I decided a picture of the cabin would be best for the blog, and so I took several shots of the cabin surrounded by trees just beginning to hint at shades of yellow, orange, and red. Satisfied, I loaded up the truck and headed back to Atlanta. On the drive home I thought about possibly using several pictures from the weekend because I captured so many moments that I wanted to share.

Upon arriving home, I discovered I had left the camera behind. Melancholy swept over me, thinking of the camera with all those heartfelt moments locked inside—waiting in the empty, still cabin for my return. And so today's photo is from some earlier trip, but captures the feeling I get everytime I turn onto this little country path. The cabin sits beyond the horizon, out of sight. The uneven drive forces me to slow down, if I haven't already, and I can feel my cares peel away as I creep along the bumpy lane.

A Girl's Best Friend

I’ve been on this journey towards improved health and fitness for a while now. And one thing I’ve learned, and been reminded of again lately, is that losing weight and getting a handle on emotional eating is not about removing food from my life as much as it is about adding joy to my life.

One of the great additions to my life in recent years is my dog, Melvin. For years I had wanted a dog. Like some women covet other women’s babies, I coveted other people’s dogs. My busy career and travel schedule did not allow room for a dog. I remember traveling to Paris a couple of times and being so taken with all the dogs. They were everywhere, even in the cafes! It seemed everyone in Paris had a dog. I remember thinking to myself, “someday I will have a dog, and I’ll walk him through the streets of Decatur; we’ll sit outside the coffee shop, drink coffee, and read the paper." On a trip to Boston, as a business colleague and I were leaving a restaurant after dinner, we passed a very handsome man walking a beautiful German Shepherd. She commented on the man; I commented on the dog. “I’m not sure there’s a man in my future, but there’s definitely a dog in my future,” I said, and we laughed.

When I left my corporate job in 2000, I was finally able to get a dog. Melvin came to live with me in November, 2000, and he has brought me so much happiness. I’ve met neighbors because of him; heck, I’ve had total strangers stop me on the street so they could meet him. And he’s brought me love: he loves me, and I love him. He’s a great joy in my life.