Oh My Yumminess

Dinner Tonight
Steak (4 oz)

Tomatoes on Mixed Greens

Apple, Broccoli, and Turkey Bacon Salad

Dinner was really good tonight. I grilled steak; that's something I never do, but it turned out great. To go with it, I had some sliced grape tomatoes with a little salt and pepper. I also made a salad of chopped apple, steamed broccoli, and a little turkey bacon. The saltiness of the bacon with the apple was so tasty. And the red apple with the green broccoli was very appealing.

I'm trying to eat more vegetables and salads, but I'm not fond of a lot of vegetables eaten in the raw. Here's a trick that is helping me: I steam the vegetables just until crisp-tender. I immediately rinse them in cold water to stop them from cooking further. Then I store them in containers in the fridge, and I am ready for a salad or an omelet at a moment's notice. I used to steam just enough veggies for the meal at hand, but now I go ahead and steam the entire batch. Cooking ahead is key. Right now, I have broccoli, asparagus, and sugar snap peas pre-steamed and stored in the refrigerator. I have salad greens ready, and I cooked extra steak tonight so I'll have a terrific salad tomorrow. I also went ahead and cooked the entire package of turkey bacon so that's ready to go too. By the way, the turkey bacon is uncured, nitrate free.

Tonight after work, I went to the Dekalb Farmers Market to buy a few things. The prices are so much better there; organic produce is actually reasonably priced. So it was worth the hassle and the dumb set-up they have for check-out. And the funny smell.

Back from the Edge

Okay, I'm back. I got so crazy busy that I just let the blog go for a while. And then everything seemed to get in a mess. Work has been very hectic. It's spring, and I work for a nursery so that's to be expected. On top of that, these are busy times at CFED. I traveled to Jacksonville to watch Shana and the others compete. I also picked up some extra work last week to allow Shana to focus on the competition. All good stuff, but in the process I didn't take care of myself. So by yesterday I found myself exhausted, depressed, and very unhappy. The good news is that I managed to make myself get in a workout last night--something I had not done since Wednesday of last week. Ugh; I hate to admit that, but it's true. I worked out again this morning, and I've eaten well today so I am already feeling tons better.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have taken some other positive steps to move myself in the right direction. I'll share more about this in a future post--maybe tomorrow. So even though I slipped off the face of the earth for a week or so, and even though I ended up in a mess, my general report is positive. That's how I choose to look at it. I'm making progress; it's certainly not linear and it is surely NOT fast, but there IS progress.

Did you read the post on the CrossFit Affiliate blog today about how CrossFit and clean eating are helping one woman change her life? It's a great article. Read it here.

Balance in All Things

A family of Canadian Geese at Lullwater Park.

Look closely and you can see the two babies following the mother.

I don't feel like writing about food or diets this morning. Bleh. Sick of it. I will tell you about the terrific weekend I had instead. I worked in my yard a good bit; so much is starting to pop. It is a very rewarding time for the gardener in me. And both days I took Melvin for a long walk at Lullwater park. Saturday morning I stopped at Dancing Goats for a cup of coffee first; walking those trails with coffee in hand, listening to the birds. Very nice. And we hit the nature jackpot. We saw geese, baby geese, ducks, ducks sitting on nests full of eggs, turtles, and even a snake which caused me to scream! He was a harmless black snake, but still he scared me. Melvin found him very interesting. I shuddered and left the scene as quickly as possible, pulling Melvin behind me.

I was reminded again how much I love gardening and nature. And how it nurtures me. I love CrossFit, CFED, and my life in Decatur, but I can't forget or abandon the journey I started at age 40 to connect with nature and find a simple, less harried life. I've been out of balance for months now. So I shouldn't be surprised that I have been struggling with eating well and losing more weight. I need to restore balance in my life and make room for that which truly nutures and re-energizes me. I must have time away from the computer, the crowds, and yes, even the gym and crossfit. Balance in all things.

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Melvin and I startled a mother duck sitting on her nest.
She sought the refuge of the lake until we passed.

Turtles sunning on a branch.

Several jumped off before I could snap the picture.



Melvin poses on the suspension bridge.



View from the suspension bridge.



Off the beaten path -- one of the more rustic trails at Lullwater.

The Next Step

Spring is fleeting. Be sure to enjoy each day, each blossom, each smell.

That's Melvin's philosophy. He's excellent at staying in the moment.

I've decided to track my Weight Watcher points for the upcoming week. I'm in a good habit now of writing down everything I'm eating. It's not overwhelming to me anymore to think about weighing and measuring and tracking the points. I have continued to attend my Weight Watcher meetings over the last few weeks. Yesterday at the meeting I was talking to several women who are at their goal and have maintained it for a while now. All looked great. Healthy and fit. Not cross-fit, but generally fit. I talked to them before the meeting started to see what I could learn. One woman said, "it started to work for me when I realized that I just can't eat that much." Profound, right? It struck a cord with me. Focusing on the quality of food I'm eating is very important. Eating less refined sugar over the last couple of weeks has helped me tremendously...at least now I am more aware of what it does to my body and mood. But to lose weight, I've got to focus on the quantity too. So that's the next step for me; that's what I am working on starting today.


Yesterday's food diary follows...

6:30 am, Breakfast
1/2 ezekiel english muffin
1 T peanut butter
2 soy sausage links

8:30 am, WOD, "Danny" (20 minute AMRAP)

10:00 am
1/2 ezekiel english muffin
1 T peanut butter
strawberries

12 noon
Weight Watcher 1-point bar

2pm, Lunch
Spinach salad with 2 oz salmon, broccoli, strawberries, tomatoes, balsamic vinaigrette

4:30 pm
strawberries and banana with dollop of greek style yogurt

6pm, Walk Melvin

7:30 pm, Dinner
turkey burger salad (2 oz turkey burger, greens, tomato, bell pepper, strawberries, balsamic vinaigrette)
cottage cheese and apple

Flirting with Trouble

Strawberry Pickin' at Prescott Farms in Wrens yesterday.

Can't you just taste 'em?

I'm starting to spin and spiral. I'm not out of control yet, but I'm flirting with trouble. I was too busy today to keep my food diary. I didn't pack a lunch for the trip to the farm as I had planned, but it would not have mattered anyway. I was held captive in a van all day, and the van was being driven by the CEO. He took us all to lunch so there wasn't much I could do, except do my best. Of course we went to Peggy's for southern cooking. I opted for a veggie plate and unsweet tea. We stopped to pick strawberries after lunch which was a great treat. By the time I started the 2.5 hour drive home about 4pm, I was sleepy (from too many carbs probably) and tired. I needed a pick-me-up so I stopped for Starbucks coffee and somehow managed to get a chocolate chip cookie too. Starbuck's cookies are the size of saucers, you understand. I ate the whole thing. I had already had lots of strawberries! And a handful of trail mix that someone passed around in the van. This evening I stopped at Whole Foods to pick up a piece of salmon for a salad. Good idea, but I also got a handful of chocolate covered almonds for dessert. I'm glad this day is over.

The Voices in My Head

Since I'm not counting points or blocks or calories, and not feeling deprived, I'm starting to doubt this approach. The dieter voice in my head is telling me I need to get on a diet. The fat voice in my head is telling me that I can't lose weight doing what I'm doing, and that I may even be gaining weight. The perfectionist voice in my head is telling me that this approach is not good enough because...well, it's not perfect.

"What a liberation to realize that the voice in my head is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees [all this]."

~ Eckhart Tolle ~

7:30 am, Breakfast
2 slices ezekiel bread, toasted
1 T peanut butter
2 soy sausage links

12:30 pm, Lunch
Kashi Southwest Chicken (from the freezer case)
served on a bed of mixed greens with grape tomatoes
with a dollop of non-fat greek-style yogurt
apple

1:00 pm, Walk with Melvin

4:15 pm, Snack
apple with cottage cheese and sprinkle of cinnamon

6:30 pm, WOD
"DT" (5 rounds of: 12 95# deadlifts, 9 95# hang power cleans, 6 95# push jerks) 14:45

8:00 pm, Dinner
Chick-Fil-A Southwest Chargrilled Salad
with sunflower seeds and fat-free honey mustard dressing
orange
unsweet tea

10:30 pm
apple and cottage cheese

Nice Recovery

My dinner last night.
I love the taste of balsamic vinaigrette on oranges. Give it a try in your salad.

Doing well. I recovered nicely from Sunday when I veered off course. I'm terribly busy right now. Too busy. But I'm pleased that I am maintaining some sanity with my eating. Tomorrow I will be traveling by car (well, truck really) to the farm where my company grows all the beautiful plants we sell. It will be a long day. Two and half hours to get there. Then we do what we call a "slow crawl" of the nursery. We actually ride (in a van) the entire nursery looking at crops. This takes 5 hours or so. Then the return trip home. So, I've got to get myself prepared for this trip. I need to set my mind and pack a cooler so that I'm not at the mercy of the moment. Or the lunch at "Peggy's" in Wrens, Georgia. Peggy is a good southern girl, and she knows how to cook a "meat and two veggies," biscuits, sweet tea, dessert, and the whole nine yards.

Here's my food diary from yesterday. I went heavy on the fruit and light on the veggies...I think I was craving sugar because of my off-day on Sunday. Feeling back to normal today.

7:30 am, Breakfast

scrambled eggs on 2 slices ezekiel toast

coffee with soy milk

Noon-ish, Lunch

1 egg

2 slices canadian bacon

1/2 cup applesauce

orange

3:30 pm
1 cup of frozen cherries

banana

coffee with soy milk

5:30 pm, WOD-- 3 Rounds of: Row 500M, 21 Burpees, Run 400M - 29:54
Have I mentioned how much I hate burpees and how my hips pretty much refuse to do them?

8:30 pm, Dinner

Salad of mixed greens, pork tenderloin, tomatoes, broccoli, orange, and balsamic vinaigrette.
almonds

10:30 pm

1 oz dark chocolate

decaf coffee with soy milk

Weekend Update

Let's see. Quick update on the last few days. Friday was really good. As I reported in my Friday blog post, I got into some trouble on Thursday and ate for reasons other than hunger. On Friday, I cleaned up my act and had a really good day. I was very busy on Friday. Between my job and CFED, I literally worked from 8am until midnight with just a short break here and there. Through it all, I managed to eat well and get in a quick workout. Good day!

Saturday was also a good day. I was on track all day despite being very busy and tired. Late Saturday I drove over to the cabin. While I got there later than planned, I made it. I stopped by my mom's for a visit before going to the cabin, and we made ice cream sundaes. I enjoyed the sundae and was able to have it and forget about it. Eating the sundae was a "cheat". Being able to cheat and not binge was a victory. There's a difference, trust me.

I awoke to a beautiful day on Sunday, but I was tired and in a funky mood. hmmm. Could it be the sugar in the ice cream affecting me? I had not eaten refined sugar to speak of in over a week. I battled my mood and fatigue all day on Sunday. I ate well at breakfast. Ate a hot dog and chips for lunch! And it was down-hill from there. So here's my learning. I should have done a workout on Sunday morning. I had planned to do the Saturday CFED WOD. That burner workout would have snapped me right out of that funky mood and enabled me to make good food choices all day. But I gave into my mood, never did the workout, and ate poorly all day.

Enough looking back. It's a new day, and I KNOW I will eat well. And I KNOW I will work out.

Messy Day

"Reflections of a Dreamer"

by Susan Morrison Sims

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."
~ Carl Jung ~

Yesterday was an ugly day eating-wise. Certainly not the ugliest I've ever had, but not a good day. Just a messy one filled with poor choices that don't make sense and don't get me where I want to be. Today will be better.

8am, Breakfast
1 slice ezekiel bread
1/2 T peanut butter
2 soy sausage links
coffee with milk

12 noon
bag of mixed nuts - contained 2 servings

1:30 pm
apple and cottage cheese
coffee with milk

3:00 pm, Not Hungry. Ate for reasons I'm not quite sure...
2 oranges
4 slices ezekiel bread with peanut butter
(ok, I finally stopped myself on the 4th slice of ezekiel bread)

5:30 pm, WOD: Run 5k, 31:58

7:30 pm, Dinner at Corner Pub
small spinach salad with goat cheese, pecans, onions, vinaigrette
unsweet tea

9:30 pm
Zone bar
decaf coffee with milk

Angry Girl

"Giant Red Spot"
by Cecil Herring

I found myself dealing with some anger yesterday. First I dealt with a neighbor who wants to cut down two trees in my yard because they shade his pool. He asked me a couple of weeks ago, and rather than saying, "no, I don't think so," I said, "let me think about it." So he came knocking on my door yesterday afternoon (while I was working...seems people have this idea if you work at home you don't really work) to ask again. This time I said "no", but it wasn't a pleasant encounter, and I ended up apologizing. This is a common theme in my life. I let people walk all over me, and then I apologize if they stub their toe in the process. Later in the day, I found myself doing work for a slack co-worker. I should have just let the work pile up, but this person's slackness reflects on me. And so I find it hard to just let it go. But then I'm angry because I'm always picking up the slack.

Ack! I was pretty uncomfortable with pent up anger by the time I was able to stop for dinner. There's a well-worn groove in my psyche for dealing with this kind of situation. Take it, take it, take it...and then EAT! Well, last night I caught myself. I actually let out a verbal cry, "I'm so ANGRY!" I let a few tears flow, and just felt the anger wash over me and through me. Such a better response that stuffing it down and numbing out.

I want to stop being every body's lap dog and door-mat. I'm sick of it. I've had enough of it.

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9:00 am, Breakfast
2 slices ezekiel bread
1 T peanut butter
3 soy sausage links
coffee with milk

1:00 pm, Lunch
Salad (mixed greens, pork tenderloin, tomatoes, carrots, broccoli, balsamic vinaigrette)

4:00 pm, Snack
Balance Bar
coffee with milk

6:00 pm, Walk at Lullwater Park

8:30 pm, Dinner at Panera
Orchard Harvest Salad with grilled chicken
multi-grain roll
iced tea (unsweet)

10:30 pm
1 oz dark chocolate
decaf coffee with milk

The Wisdom in My Heart

"Heart Wisdom"
by Susan Morrison Sims

I'm continuing to post my food diary here because it seems to be helping me. My cleaned-up eating is helping even more. I want to keep it going, and at the moment I'm feeling like I can. It has helped me to back away from the perfectionist approach. I'm not bothering to weigh and measure everything, and I'm not counting points or blocks or calories. I'm not using external cues to tell me if it's ok to eat (the clock, Weight Watchers point allocation, the Zone block allocation). I'm just listening to my body, and if I'm hungry, I eat. I try to stop when I'm full or almost full. And I'm not listening to the voices in my head, just the wisdom in my heart. I feel like I've been let out of jail after a very long sentence. Praying that I can stay out.



8:00 am, Breakfast
oatmeal with milk
3 soy sausages
coffee with milk

1:15, Lunch
Big Salad of mixed greens, 3 oz pork tenderloin, tomato, carrots, roasted asparagus, orange, balsamic vinaigrette

4:00 pm, Snack
apple and cottage cheese

5:30 pm, WOD: SP 5x1, PP 5x3, PJ 5x5

7:30 pm, Dinner
(Munched on pork tenderloin while I was getting dinner ready. I was ravenous.)
1 egg plus 2 egg whites
2 slices canadian bacon
mixed greens with tomato, carrots, broccoli, and balsamic vinaigrette
orange

10:00 pm, Snack
apple with cottage cheese

Look Inside and Listen

"Freedom"
by Duy Huynh

I had a bit of a light bulb moment after having my oatmeal this morning. Oatmeal is a grain, and so I was sort of thinking maybe I should not have eaten it. Same thing with the two slices of bread yesterday. After eating the oatmeal and enjoying it, it occurred to me that eating oatmeal or not eating oatmeal is my decision. I can listen to my body and decide if I want to have oatmeal and then depending on how I feel afterwards, I can continue to have it or not. It's my choice. The answer about whether to eat grains, dairy, or any other food is inside me. It's not in some diet book somewhere.

I think reading about nutrition and hearing what works for other people is great. But in the end, the answer for each of us is inside us. My body, my spirit knows what is best for me in everything. If I will look inside and listen and allow my spirit to direct my life, I will know what I should eat. During my binges on sweets, my body and soul always tell me what I'm doing is wrong. But I don't look inside, and I sure don't listen. I ignore my body and spirit and continue to stuff myself with unhealthy food. And then I go to the other extreme, eating only what is on the approved list, again looking everywhere except inside myself for the answer.

Look inside. And listen.

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My food diary from yesterday can be found under the previous post.

Grumble, Grumble, Grumble

Feeling grumpy and nothing to say, but here's my food diary from yesterday.

7:30 am, Breakfast
1 slice ezekiel bread
1/2 T peanut butter
3 soy sausage links
orange
coffee with milk

10:00 am
coffee with milk

1:00 pm, Lunch at Thumbs Up
1/2 of a 3-egg omelet with spinach and swiss cheese
1 slice of wheat toast with a little butter
coffee with milk

2:15 pm, Snack
2 apples
1 T peanut butter

5:30 pm, WOD: Lots of Lunges, Pullups, Situps, 24:54

7:00 pm, Dinner
Grilled Chicken Salad
orange

9:30 pm, Snack
apple with cottage cheese

Forget Little Debbie

Fallen trees block the foot bridge.

And more fallen trees block the path that leads to my mom's house.

I had a great Sunday clearing more fallen trees from last month's winter storm. There's still lots more work to do, but at least the path is no longer blocked and the footbridge is back in use. I love working in the woods, and I am so much better at it now than I was BCF (before crossfit).

I had a pretty good day eating-wise, especially considering I was out of my normal routine and just making do with what was available. My big victory for the day was resisting a Little Debbie Cake. If you think about all the refined carbs and unhealthy fat in these, they really are disgusting. But in the moment, it's hard to remember that. I was just thinking how I would love the taste of something sweet with my coffee after lunch. What really kept me from eating it was remembering that it would trigger a craving for more sweets, setting off the vicious cycle of eating sweets, followed by depression, followed by eating more sweets to feel better. So I took my after-lunch coffee into the den, away from the temptation. Mama followed me, we started talking, and pretty soon I had almost forgotten about Little Debbie.

8:00 am
coffee with milk

9:30 am, Breakfast
2 scrambled eggs with roasted asparagus
2 slices canadian bacon
orange
coffee with milk

10:00, hike in the woods

11:00 to 1:00 pm, WOD: clear fallen trees

1:00 pm
2 oz tuna with lite mayo
orange
~1 T peanut butter
1/2 handful of peanuts

1:30 to 3:00 pm, WOD continued: clear fallen trees

3:30 pm
Spinach salad with blue cheese dressing
(spinach, strawberries, mushrooms, carrots, onion, bacon bits)
banana
coffee with milk

4:00 pm, hike back to cabin

7:30 pm, Dinner
Turkey Vegetable Soup
strawberries and cottage cheese
1/4 cup walnuts

9:30 pm
1/4 cup walnuts

Saved by a Salad

I was saved on Saturday by a Big Spinach Salad!

Yesterday after the WOD, I tossed some healthy food choices in a cooler and headed for the cabin. On the drive over, I mentally prepared myself for the food challenges at the cabin and at my mom's house. The challenge at the cabin is falling into the trap of thinking I'm on vacation and deserve to eat whatever I want. The challenge at my mom's is that she often wants to love you with food. So I prepared my mind for these hurdles and determined that I would remember what I really want and think beyond the moment. I decided to stop at my Mom's first to say hi. When I arrived, to my surprise, my older sister, Myra and her family were visiting. Myra was cooking lunch and her husband Phil and possible future son-in-law Tad were working outside, clearing fallen limbs and trees leftover from the snow-storm in early March. It was a very nice surprise. And just as nice was the wonderful meal my sister prepared. She made pork tenderloin, mashed potatoes, and a huge spinach salad. I was thrilled when I saw the salad because I knew I could be successful with a lean protein and a big salad. The meal was gluten-free because her husband and son both have celiac disease, so I didn't have to worry about resisting the bread or other grains. My biggest challenge was staying away from the Magic Bars she made for dessert. She had cut them into itty bitty bars, so having one would not have been that big a deal. For a normal person. For me, a taste can lead to big trouble...the kind of trouble I found myself in earlier this week.

Success! Not so much as a crumb of the Magic Bars touched my lips. The day wasn't perfect, but so much better than it could have been.

Breakfast, 7:30 am

2 eggs

turkey bacon

orange

coffee with milk

9:30, WOD: "The 555", 26:00

12 noon

coffee with milk

Balance Bar

1 oz almonds

3pm

pork tenderloin

small serving of mashed potatoes

big serving of spinach salad

coffee with milk

4:00 pm, Hike in the woods

6:30 pm

way too many peanuts

7:30 pm, Dinner

Tukey-Vegetable Soup

orange

1o:00 pm

1 oz dark chocolate

Choose it Everyday

I am feeling better. With just two days of proper eating under my belt, combined with a couple of good workouts, I am feeling like a different person. This is not a new learning for me. I have been at this same place observing and appreciating this exact same discovery many times before. And yet I continue to slip into the abyss of out-of-control eating on a regular basis. I say this not to be negative, but to be real. I don't have this figured out. I know generally what the solution is. Maintaining it as a lifestyle is the part I have to conquer. Maybe it's as simple as choosing it everyday. I choose it again for today.

Below is my food journal from yesterday.

7:00 am, Breakfast
2 egg veggie scramble
turkey bacon
orange
coffee with milk

10:30 am
12 oz non-fat latte

12 noon, Lunch
lean ground beef patty
steamed broccoli
grape tomatoes

3:30 pm, Snack
apple and cottage cheese

5:30 pm, WOD: "Nancy", 26:42 with 45# OHS

9:00 pm, Dinner
2 oz lean beef, 2 oz turkey breast
steamed broccoli
steamed carrots

10:30 pm, Snack
strawberries and cottage cheese

Midnight, Lights Out

Here's What I Know

"Fetch for Time"

Melvin gets his WOD in at Lullwater Park on Monday.

(click here to enlarge image and see just how cute Melvin is.)

So here's the deal. I am prone to depression and have struggled with it for years with varying degrees of success. I use food, specifically refined carbohydrates, to feel better. The problem is that it doesn't work. It provides only temporary relief but then sets off a vicious cycle, intensifying the depression which makes me crave more sugar. The very thing I turn to for relief is making the problem worse.

And I am so sick of all the contradictory information out there. Get in the Zone. Go Paleo. Eat dairy. No, don't eat dairy; it will kill you. Grains are good. Grains are from the devil. Just do Weight Watchers which allows you to eat all foods in moderation. Everybody has a solution for me, and I just want to scream! For someone who binged on crap Sunday night, Monday night, and Wednesday night, every one's advice seems to miss the point. I just need to get off Oreos and ice cream for goodness sake!

Well I've cried and screamed and prayed and medicated with food, but the problem is still there. And I am more confused and frustrated than ever. I don't know what the answer is.

But here's what I do know.

• What I'm doing is not working. It's time to try something different.
• My food/drug of choice is always sugary, fatty, refined carbs.
• Even when I'm "being good" I find it difficult to control "good carbs" like cereal, whole wheat bread, brown rice, beans, and corn.
• I have never binged on lean protein, fruits, or vegetables.
• I don't seem to have a problem with milk and cottage cheese; although I can get into trouble with yogurt and hard cheeses sometimes.
• I never met a nut that I didn't like, and I find it hard to control these.

For now, that's all I can say.

By Invitation Only

I'm getting ready to start my blog back up, but it will now be by invitation only. That's because if I'm going to do this damn blog, I've got to get real and use it more as a daily report card. Even a confessional if needed. And frankly, I don't want to bare my soul to just everybody everyday. Maybe I'll feel differently later, but that's how I feel right now.

Here's who I have invited to participate: Shana, Byron, Rae, Sheryl, Shannon (aka Meeks), Naomi (aka Gnomes), Kath, Mo, and Myesha. If there is someone else you think I should include, shoot me an email at psculpepper@gmail.com.

Stay tuned for a new post.