"Breaking Free of Shadows"
1993 started out as a great year for me. I was 32, my career had really taken off, and I was in the best shape of my life to that point. Three years earlier I lost 50 pounds, and I had successfully maintained the weight loss. I was at my ideal weight. Running was my sport. I regularly ran 10k's, with occasional distances of 15k and the half marathon. I had a great group of friends. My job allowed me to travel to interesting places. I lived and worked in Buckhead, and had a great in-town life. And to top it all off, I was in love--head over heels. This was "the one" for me, and it was mutual! Isn't it great when you fall in love, AND it's mutual?! There truly is nothing better.
But as Mary Chapin Carpenter says in one of her songs, "I gave my heart away once, and I haven't seen it since." In the fall of that year, the relationship ended, and I was heart-broken. So heart-broken that I lost my appetite --- for about four hours. And then I started to eat. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm just going to eat for a little while." I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, just for a little while, to get through this terrible time. I ate to soothe my broken heart, to medicate the depression, and for entertainment on my now empty weekends. I stopped running because I found it difficult to run and cry at the same time. I was a mess.
Five years, and 75 pounds later, I was feeling much better.
I have been struggling with that weight, and more, ever since. What was suppose to be just for a little while turned into a 15 year sentence. A self-imposed 15-year sentence. And every time I choose to overeat, I'm adding more time to that sentence.
It's time to find my heart again. And what I'm learning is that it has been here with me all along. You see, I didn't really give it away, I stuffed it full of pain and covered it up. But I'm uncovering it more and more each day, letting it break free, and fill with joy.
7 comments:
I am going to post a note now. I remember 1993, and I remember standing on the sidelines of the Peachtree Road Race when you came running by showing us all what could be done when you put your mind in the game! You accomplished great things, and you inspired me through the years! Without you, I would not be here where I am today! I am grateful that I have you for a friend, and I am grateful for the new friends that I am making here everyday! Progress, you said, in an earlier post, and progress we make everyday. Thanks for sharing a part of you with us with everyday! Here's to Francois and late night walks in Paris! LOL!
Wow, Pat! What a story, thank you for sharing that part of your life with us. You were a runner, that is wonderful! I am glad to here you are making progress and I know love will find you again if you let it!
Love is such a crazy thing and I find it funny how different people feel about love. Friday night I got a call from Eric's sister she was screaming and crying because of a huge nasty fight she got in with her terrible boyfriend that has been on and off for four long years. I just do not understand it, she is young and beautiful inside and out. I tried to make her realize that this is not love she has, more passion, and that if she doesn't first love her self no one will ever love her the way she deserves to be loved. Her life revolves around this guy, it has affected both her school and work. I told her she needs to find herself first, to try things like yoga and running, that they are great endorphin boosters, cause she is so depressed. I look at her and see a young girl lost to what society focuses young girls to revolve their life around : men and relationships, but if you don't have a loving relationship with yourself how can she ever grow to love another.
Sorry to carry on about her, I worry for her and many young girls who fall in this trap, we need to give support and confidence to those who do not have it.
I am happy Pat that you broke free and strengthened who Pat was both mentally and physically!
Re-read my post this morning. I hope it doesn't make me sound morose. I'm really happy now---I think you all know that, and I have a GREAT life now--so much better than it was at 32! But I'm trying to use this blog to share what I'm discovering about myself and my relationship with food...and obviously this was a major event in my life, and I used food to get through it, and I'm living with the consequences now.
Byron, thanks for your post. It was 1991 when I ran the peachtree for the first time and you and Ricky stood out on the street and cheered as I went by. Can't believe it was so long ago. "Memories light the corners of my mind, Misty water color memories..." HAHAHA =O)
Rae, yeah I was a runner. Never fast like you, but I loved running and ran 3-4 times per week. I stopped when I went thru this difficult time. Have tried a few times since then to pick it back up, but the weight has always made it difficult. I'm really pleased to be running again with CrossFit.
"LIGHT the corners of my mind"!! Make so much more sense now! I always sang it as "like the corners of my mind" What an aha moment!!
I was reading today and ran across this quote that made me think of today's blog post:
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.”
Paulo Coelho
Let's pursue our dreams!
Ah, yes. Relationships and food. It seems like I was the opposite. I'd get in an unhealthy relationship and hang on to it for dear life and eat my way through it!! I was so terrified that the person I was with would discover that I was an empty shell of a person -- I had a talent for cooking and so we'd just eat. And eat. And EAT some more! Then I hated myself and, Rae, you're so right, when you don't love yourself - no one else can love you either because YOU WON'T LET THEM!
I feel like I got a handle on it now! Sometimes I have my low-esteem moments, but mostly - I freakin' love me! And the best thing is, it's the real me - not the facade I put on because I thought that's what the other person wanted!
Pat, thanks for sharing this with all of us!
Bad news Eric;s sister is back with that guy!!! Argh I guess my counseling didn't work!! I wish she would see the light!
I babysat the most adorable baby boy today, what joy and comfort I didn't think of food or working out (or not) the whole morning, kids are a wonderful thing, so innocent and sweet,I can't wait for my chance one day....
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