Put a Piece of Cake on That; You'll Feel Better

My dad died in June, 1998. That following December, my sister and I attended his family's reunion, something we had never done while my dad was alive. At the time of the reunion, our grief was still fresh, and attending the reunion was part of our grieving process. My dad's surviving siblings were there along with other relatives; some we had seen at the funeral in June. Others we had not seen in many, many years--if ever. I recall vividly when my cousin, Paul walked into the room. He is about the same age as my dad even though he is my dad's nephew. He looked so much like Daddy--his stature, his hair, his eyes, the way he carried himself, even the way he was dressed. My sister and I were taken aback--she more than I because she had never met him. It was a shock to her to see this man walk through the door. For a moment it was like seeing Daddy walk through the door. She immediately welled up with tears--the painful, uncontrollable kind that get caught in your throat and make you choke if you don't let them out. She was trying to regain her composure, and I was trying to help her. We were in a large room surrounded by tables of food that had been prepared for the reunion, and we just happened to be standing beside the dessert table filled with beautiful cakes. Without thinking, I said to her, "put a piece of cake on that; you'll feel better." We both burst out laughing. We laughed and laughed about that and still laugh about it today.

My joke worked; it broke the sadness and allowed my sister to get control of her grief. But the joke did more than that; it spoke volumes about my script for dealing with painful emotions. Put some food on it, and you will feel better. Rather than feeling the emotion and experiencing the pain, we often want to make the pain go away by escaping, distracting ourselves, or numbing our feelings. Food can do all those things temporarily, but of course the pain returns along with all the consequences of having used food inappropriately.

So I'm learning to deal with emotions in a more constructive way. I want to make better choices and find healthier ways of taking care of myself. I'm trying. Sometimes it seems I fail more often than I succeed, but I'm making progress. Progress. Yes, progress.